So this will be my last piece on my former physical and sexual domestic violence. I am still entrenched in trauma as we share Landry together and their have been multiple emotional, verbal and psychological traumas and domestic disturbances. He has come close to physical, but stops at the very last moment. At least I can say for the time being I have not been physically harmed since the day after Thanksgiving in 2013.
This is the day my world came crashing down, the memory of my rape resurfaced and I was with him. It was very odd. We were trying to reconcile after his latest affair and the greatest blessing happened- my memory surfaced. I had a flashback so vivid and the worst thing was that I was with him and he did the very same thing he did then and so many other times, he grabbed my wrists and Landry was present. I told him to get out, but he wouldn’t. Then I started to see the big picture, it wasn’t his alcoholism that was making him do this, it was him. One month earlier he tried to suffocate me.
I think that is what triggered my memory and I was starting to get stronger little by little. The events were so similiar. Another sexual assualt and this time an attempted rape. I was able to get him off of me somehow this time. I began to use my voice even more and was screaming in the last two events. Probably why he tried to suffocate me. I remember thinking that Landry was right next to us in a toddler bed and hooked up to medical equipment. I didn’t know how to get out. I prayed and screamed. I can’t tell you what it is like to be suffocated by a man twice your size and they just put all of their body weigh on you and then try and rape you. Somehow this time I had the fight to get out.
I can remember not being able to breath, gasping for air and wanting to grab my phone so bad to call 911, but I couldn’t. I had to get out, but how? He was next to the door and I was on the opposite side of the room with Landry. I fell asleep holding my phone too afraid to move once I was able to get him to stop. The final act was the memory of my rape. He never apologized was confronted again, but never denied and said we would get through it. It was the past.
He was right about one thing I will get through it. I contemplated for two weeks on what to do and then I made my decision and wanted out. Little did I know he had a personality disorder on top of his alcholism and 6 months later I would be diagnosed with complex-PTSD for the monthly attacks and everything that comes with it. I remember thinking something is not right, I was afraid to sleep and depressed. I couldn’t understand any of it, but that I needed far away from him.
I could have done it better and protected myself and Landry better, but I was naive and hindsight is always hindsight. I would have, could have and should have doesn’t help me now. I will never forget visiting my doctor and telling her what was going on. I had severe headaches where I would lose partial vision and I told her first about the rape. She looked at me and cried as she knew she was giving me a horrible diagnosis. Not a death sentence at least for me, but a life altering and shattering disease where I will never be the same. Something that was caused by someone’s actions and not because I did something. Just like any other disease, PTSD is real.
This was the final act of our life together and I am forever grateful that I am out. I still struggle with PTSD and everything that goes along with it, but I made a conscious choice for myself and Landry to get out.