I often help people through a divorce and they are mostly women, but the one thing that always sticks in my mind is high conflict divorces and narcissism. Being a survivor myself and 5 years into his battle, I often have to step back and reset. I have to wonder if I am being the one crazy and if I am doing more harm than good to Landry.
As much as I want to deny it, you see he still has control of me though our child, Landry. He knows Landry means the world to me and I will protect Landry. He may not be able to physically or sexually abuse me anymore, but you see he can still continue the mental and emotional game through Landry. He knows I just want to raise Landry in a loving environment, but that is something he will not understand. I will get blamed for the way I raise Landry rather than an internal look at himself. It is my fault I have empathy and his empathy is not real.
You see, he is also very jealous of our relationship. No matter how much I downplay it, you can’t hid a child’s love if it is genuine. You can’t hide the fact that whenever I see Landry, she comes running towards me with a huge grin and arms open. You can’t hide the fact that when she sees her dad she screams, runs and hides. You cannot hide a child’s love.
The thing that gets me the most is not if Landry loves or doesn’t love her dad, he is and always be her dad. She will always have some deep connection with him and deep down some type of love. The thing that sends chills up my spine is the control he instills on her. If she refuses to go and it takes 5- adults to make her go, 4 of whom are complete strangers and one her doctor, he doesn’t try to come up with a more feasible solution for Landry. He doesn’t care about the pain he is inflicting on her in that moment. He only cares that it is his time and she must go with him. He doesn’t realize the long-term damage that he is causing her. He doesn’t realize every time he doesn’t respect her, she is going to bite back hard at some point.
You see he doesn’t look at himself as the problem. Landry is able to speak freely about her father is she wants in my home, but other than after a visit and me asking did you have a good time, I let her drive the conversation. I never thought that divorcing a narcissist would be slowly poisoning my child, but now I know better. He continues to poison us both. He is slowly draining our child’s soul. She has known this life of two homes more than a life on one home. She should be settled in, but instead she is becoming unraveled.
You see for a long time I thought I was the crazy one and there are times I still feel crazy, but when you deal with a narcissist the web of lies is sticky and poisonous. The web can break in an instant or it can cling to you and not lot go. I am fortunate as my friends, family, church and medical team are there to lift me up. They challenge me if I think I am the crazy one and most importantly support Landry and me. I never had this outpouring of love until I left him. I never knew what love was until I left him.
It pains me to see Landry’s soul dying, but she is strong and I will continue to support her. She will have those moments where she thinks she is the crazy one and I hope that I along with others will help her realize she is loved. That she has a purpose and not to let the poison take over her. One day family courts will realize that a narcissistic or cluster B personality disorder is not a joke, but rather a poison that drains us all. Until the courts realize what this poison does not only to the child, but both parents and families, the courts and professional people involved- the poison will slowly continue and continue to shape our future generations.