Narcissism and PTSD

Narcissism and PTSD what do they have in common? Unfortunately, many people who deal with a narcissistic personality disorder individual will have PTSD.  Just like PTSD, I did not understand what Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) really was, although I was living it. Individuals who don’t understand PTSD may label you as crazy, which is far from the truth, but those with NPD will make you think you are crazy and you are the reason for all of their problems and that they are incapable of being wrong.  They can’t love unconditionally and their type of love involves I.  What is in it for me?

I remember those conversations over and over.  “You don’t love me anymore.  You never loved me. Choose: it’s either me or Landry. You always take care of Landry, but not me.”  Those words still haunt me today because they are as awful as they sound and because I let someone manipulate me so bad.  I guess he pushed me to my breaking point because I chose Landry and will always chose Landry.  I had no idea that anything called NPD even existed.  After, I saw his psychological profile on our custody evaluation everything started to make sense.

I researched his personality disorder more and then everything just started clicking.  Unfortunately, I still have to deal with his inability to love through Landry.  I see the hope in Landry’s eyes and then the let downs and lies.  He uses Landry as a pawn to get to me.  I have had a hard time with leaving Landry in his care because of have seen the outrage to Landry and to me. An anger so deep that it is like he is not human.

An outrage that would make Landry’s father commit physical and sexual domestic violence in front of Landry.  Day by day I am learning to cope and accept that this was the best decision for both of us. Landry came to that decision a long time ago and unlike most kids Landry says, “Mommy I never want you to get back with Daddy again.”  I now realize that if I stayed, as the assaults got worse, I may not be here today and I was able to protect Landry at his most vulnerable time.  His dad stayed away for about 15 months with a few visits here and there and then also had supervised parenting time for awhile.  Although, I still fear for Landry I am here to protect him and be Landry’s voice until that time when the courts can no longer use Landry’s age as an excuse.

I can provide a stable and loving environment away from emotional and psychological harm and a safe environment where no violence is present.  I could not provide that before.  Landry can feel unconditional love and feel safe. That was not afforded to Landry before in such a traumatic household.  It was an extremely hard decision for me, but in the end I don’t feel like I would be here as the last assaults involved suffocation.  I also am not sure if Landry would be here either as Landry was hospitalized more than once because of his father’s action.  I was always there to find Landry.  It’s unfathomable, but it’s our life.  A life that we did not chose or deserve, but are trying to make the best of.  It has made me a better mother, person and more empathetic to individuals.  NPD is real and wreaks havoc on so many people including us.  Court reform needs to take place in the family and juvenile system as well as the criminal system as this is serious and can be very dangerous whether the dangers are emotional, verbal, physical or sexual.  They dangers are real for those involved with someone with NPD.