Doggy paddling

I don’t know whether to be relieved or more upset at the court systems who have failed my child.  Landry is finally opening up and I am learning at the age where Landry can start to process things.  Today in Landry’s therapy session I was told that we may be dealing with trauma induced behaviors and that Landry is at the age appropriate behavior where it would start appearing.  Why thank you for telling me this, yet it means nothing to protect Landry.  Finally someone is seeing that my child is trying to process what happened to me and is most likely having triggers.

My trauma therapist has said this for at least two years and yet the courts did nothing to protect Landry. They believed someone with a personality disorder, who pleaded the fifth to harming me and failed multiple alcohol tests.  I have learned how to cope with Landry’s daily struggles through my own and with the help of my trauma therapist.  I wish I could feel numb to all of this, but the more I see it affecting Landry is affects me and angers me that each visit I see a different child come home.  Each visit I see a little less sparkle and a child who is growing up way too fast.

I see the hope in Landry’s and my eyes fading that some “professional” will help us, yet we still keep the faith.  We try to explore every thing possible and have mini adventures to live in the moment, but it is exhausting.  Between being a single mom with a co-parent that is a narcissist and histrionic, still going through a broken court system, dealing with my own struggles and Landry’s, going to school and pretending to work I am exhausted.  I feel like I have to work overtime to help Landry process what love is, what Landry saw and Landry’s own daily emotions.  I pray that this overtime now will help Landry in the long run that Landry will learn coping skills and how to freely talk and not be controlled by a man or anyone else for that matter.

I will never change anything that I did in my past life as far as marrying my ex because then Landry would not be possible. I still process an incredible guilt by my actions, but I believe that a reason unbeknownst to me that this unfathomable journey is happening for a reason.  I am tired and weak, but I am not out and will continue to carry the strength for both of us.  While they “figure” Landry out, I will continue to fight for Landry’s well being and hope that someday Landry will be free and I will be free. We will never forget, but someday we will be free and able to forgive for ourselves.

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