The reality has settled in and I have 4 psychologist appointments in the next week. 2 for me and 2 for Landry. Just when I thought I was kicking PTSD’s ass, it came back to haunt me in the literal sense and Landry is starting to shows signs as well. My psychologist has thought for a long time that Landry suffers from PTSD given Landry’s life experiences to date, but Landry has never been formally diagnosed.
I haven’t had a flashback in over a year and it has been so freeing, but that changed last week. As Landry exposes Landry’s experiences and memories more, it haunts me, it triggers me and exposes me. I can cope with being Landry’s mama and that has never affected my parenting ability. I have been extremely fortunate in that, partly because my ex was never around so I had to deal with things and partly because I buried myself in Landry as Landry was my safety. I can’t say it has been easy, but it has made me more understanding of Landry, more protective of Landry from less understanding people and more loving. Not that I wouldn’t love any child the same, but my heart pours out more knowing Landry’s experiences.
I hate that I know how Landry feels. I hate how I see anger in Landry, hypervigilance and fear in Landry. It is simply not fair. Neither one of us deserve this. I hate the stares when Landry has a “moment” and I know it is not Landry but something else and I hate that in that moment no matter what I have to hold Landry and tell Landry that Landry is safe because that is what helps Landry. No child should have to be told that they are safe. That should be an unsaid understanding in their lives.
PTSD is unknown enough in adults and you add a child in that equation and it is like a foreign event happened. The doctors, the psychologists use words like trauma etc and dance around the truth. They look at things with less stigma attached because we all know how mental health has such a horrible stigma attached. It’s like we have some horrible contagious disease that can cause death to those around us.
I will never forget a person that was supposed to protect Landry in the legal system actually commented on my PTSD knowing and believing the cause was abuse endured by my ex. My attorney asked this individual not to be involved in my “case” known as our lives as this individual violated ADA among many other things. This individual did not understand why I shook when I was around my ex, why I feared him or why I may cry or freeze. Really? You know and believe he is guilty of harming me, but you don’t know why I would react this way??
I don’t understand why victims get blamed and the offenders often walk free or are just excused only to be reintroduced to their children and cause more harm. I just learned that out of 30 women the average time a woman stays with her partner is 10 years. 10 years of abuse and you don’t know why we might shake? I was with mine for almost 14 years from my first rape. I repressed it for almost 14 years and he had me so twisted that I thought I was to blame for the way he acted especially after Landry was born. It was the alcohol, it was not him, he is depressed it is not him, he didn’t mean to hurt me. Excuse after excuse I finally understand the damage of being with a person who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)and the custody tests showed me it was him and not me. There is just something about seeing it on paper.
Being with someone with NPD makes you lose yourself, but this road away from him has been freeing. Finding myself, being an even better mom and doing what I want when I want. What is that freedom all about? It is a new found love, one free from yelling, free from hurt and full of love. We have a yelling free zone in my house. So screw you PTSD you will not take my freedom nor Landry’s freedom from us and we will continue to heal. We will continue to win PTSD and we will continue to let people know that this is our normal and that we may do things differently, but that is because one man changed our lives not because of the choices we made.